Tuesday 18 December 2012

Force me...

It's one of my old pet peeves, really, this whole forced thing, if you desire something and especially in professional BDSM, there isn't anything really "forced" and that's great because otherwise it would simply be abuse. It's a popular theme in BDSM porn, but in BDSM porn the women are also often men hating freaks, which is quite different to somebody who has a loving relationship with a submissive!
You're requesting something and your fantasy is being forced to do it, it doesn't mean it's really forced!

I can understand that a submissive will want to do something for  his or her dominant that they don't enjoy but they know the dominant enjoys, that's a different issue because it's not forced, it comes from the desire to serve.

There are so many myths surrounding BDSM and one of the biggest is that BDSM is all about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don't want to do...
Well, if that would be true, then why on earth would clients actually PAY for it? Why would everybody stress consensual so much? Why would there be safewords?

There is a huge difference between BDSM and abuse!

Playfully forcing somebody - in a consensual non-consensual way - is a lot of fun, I guess it's something we've all experienced, somebody screaming NO NO NO but meaning YES YES YES, hey fun, we all got the safe word in case it's not fun anymore and so the dominant partner knows when to stop without breaking the illusion of force, yes, it's a fantasy game that is really really hot!

One thing that irks me without end is the molly coddling of subs and telling them that oh it's OK and that they were really forced. What's that about? Are there some dominant women who are really so freaking insecure that they need to suck up to every guys fantasy just for a bit of approval?

A lot of the blogs strike me as people who only dream about BDSM and are terrified to offend somebody, yet trying to stylize themselves as some sort of online BDSM authorities without ever having had a BDSM relationship. I just don't really get the reason behind it, if you want to have a relationship, get out, meet people and check out if you have the right chemistry.

There is no right and wrong way to do BDSM (apart from safety aspects, but that's pretty much common sense), if the people involved are happy, that's it, what anybody else thinks about your relationship or if you are doing it right or wrong shouldn't matter. Heaven knows that my relationship would be far too vanilla for most people and it really doesn't bug me one bit, we're both quite happy with the way it goes, so some internet stranger thinking we're not doing it right - yeah, that's going to phase me about as much as the proverbial bike in China.

A lot of the information on the internet and in BDSM porn is really confusing, there is a lot of day dreaming and there are tons of fantasy stories about what BDSM is. Of course it's more exciting if you make it out it's some dark and scary place, it will add to the mood, but in a relationship it can't come from a dark and forbidden place because the essential thing that you need is trust.
In BDSM porn the bitchy, man-hating domme is a thing that keeps reoccurring, but that's a fantasy, a BDSM relationship can only work if there is a feeling of mutual trust.

One thing that really gets me about some so called "Femdom" blogs is that they seem so desperate, basically anything the sub wants is OK, and he has to be applauded and coddled and told how much it is his right, how wonderful that he opens up and demands those things... I often think "Woman, get a foster child if you don't have one of your own".

This whole turning the submissive into some spoiled little brat and essentially bending over backwards to try and keep the illusion that he found a dominant woman (who is going to serve him and reinforce his expectations) is about as ridiculous as the whole femdom porn fantasy of the always leather/latex clad domme who hates men and will force them. It tends to reek of desperation, heck I like men, submissive or kinky, I like them as MEN, not children who need guidance. In short I want a willing partner in crime, not somebody I have to cajole and convince, stroke his ego all the time and basically serve him while desperately pretending I am his dominant.

Unless you are having a strictly professional relationship and not a relationship with some BDSM elements, the fantasy warrior idea won't fly. Essentially you have a partner and HOW the power exchange takes place and WHEN is up to you. The dominant doesn't automatically turn into a parent substitute, of course there is always age play but that is only one spectrum of BDSM.

Let me repeat, BDSM is all about consent, that means that you can withdraw your consent at any time in case it makes you feel uncomfy or you feel you're pushed to far, dominants don't tend to be interested in turning you into mindless drones, most BDSM relationships are actually very LOVING relationships, just with a bit of kink thrown in, often with power exchange in various ways, sometimes with a bit of pain, but there is no law that says pain is essential to a BDSM relationship, a lot of people have relationships of every kind, also BDSM relationships without pain!


3 comments:

  1. Hi LC,

    I really have confused feelings about this posting, because I do like to be "forced," to some degree, to endure more pain than I really want ... to be pushed, I guess is another way to phrase it. Basically, consensual non-consensual play, where if I were not bound I would definitely stop the whipping, caning, whatever by physically moving away. My ideal is to play with a Domme who is truly quite sadistic [... but sane and caring] and who enjoys pushing me to accept as much pain as I can, and then goes a bit beyond that point.

    To quote the retired Mistress Simone of LA, "Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, despised during, and relished after the act. That is a part of masochism ­- doing things that you don't like."

    Please see also this recent review on MF:
    http://www.maxfisch.com/thehang/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=reviews&Number=1602851&page=1&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1

    It seemed to me that the sub was forced a bit, and would have stopped the session if he could have (Would you agree?). Afterwards, he must have decided he liked it, as he was planning a follow up session ...

    I am interested in your thoughts on this, as I found that session review very erotic.

    Thanks,

    sbH

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  2. I have no issue with wanting to be forced and all that, but if you do dig into your pockets and you pay for it, you have already given consent and it isn't "really forced" - that stuff just doesn't work when money is involved. I think to want to be pushed is a much better word, forced has this "no consent" about it, and I'm pretty touchy about this stuff.

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  3. LC,

    Alright then, pushed it is.

    To me anyway, most bdsm activities feel a lot hotter and more exciting when the Domme is in a position to demand that I do whatever she wants me to do [pre-negotiated limits excepted] by using painful stimuli to “push” me to comply, whether I want to do it or not at that instant. Or, maybe she just wants to see me squirm or struggle with the pain. With enough pain, I become very obedient and accommodating. 

    ( don’t have the world’s highest pain tolerance, nor the lowest either.)

    What this translates into in my head is, I guess, a feeling of being subdued, of the Domme being totally in control and me being totally under her command. The fantasy (perhaps) is that I like whatever we do to be her idea … and that I have no choice at the moment but to follow along. And I really don’t want that choice.

    Of course, I do realize that for this sort of play to work well, the Domme has to have an understanding of what I actually do like to do and be willing to play to at least some of my interests and push some of my hot buttons.

    sbH

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