Monday 3 September 2012

Dommes, clients, friendship...


A comment made me realize that maybe my blog makes guys feel uneasy, well, to be honest, I did warn you right at the beginning that you wouldn’t like it and that I’d bust some myths…

Actually the blog is nothing against clients, if I’m honest, the majority of clients was fine and a delight. As crazy as it sounds, I met life-long friends through sessions, people I’m still in touch with and I still spend time with. Not on a D/s basis, but simply as friends. People I can call up if I want to talk about something completely unrelated, I can use them as sounding boards and they usually give me good advise – and of course they can call me anytime and frequently do. We’re simply friends, like lots of other people, a sexual orientation is just that, doesn’t really change your personality

Some of the smartest and most open minded people I’ve ever met are into BDSM, be they masochists, fetishists or submissives. What apart from the fact that they’re into BDSM and we share a common interest, makes them friends? Pretty simple, that’s not the only interest we share, and there is chemistry. A common interest in BDSM is not enough, come on, how many people share a hobby with you but that’s the only thing you have in common, doesn’t automatically qualify them as friends.

Friendships happen in a lot of different places, but they require work from both sides. I made friends in the weirdest places, once at the dentist, seriously, a guy who was even more scared than me and I tried to calm him down. He waited until I was finished and asked me if he could buy me a drink as a thank you. He didn’t try to pick me up, he was just nice, and trust me, women have a radar for that.

In case you don’t strike up a friendship with your domme, don’t be disappointed, there can be a lot of reasons for that. For one, you guys are the ones who always want their privacy respected, you head off home and that’s it for us, let’s face it, most of you guys aren’t at liberty to strike up a friendship because you’re in a relationship already.
For a lot of dommes it’s simply self-preservation to keep their distance, you guys often wander on to the next domme, we don’t even hear what has happened to you. Then some guys just freak out and become stalkers, endangering our private lives and often our work situation. Place yourself in our shoes, what on earth would you do?

The best thing you can do is enjoy a session for what it is and then back to real life, in case you get on with your domme and a friendship develops, great, enjoy, if not, don’t sweat it, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you or that you’re a bad person, it just means that she has a life outside of domming and you don’t fit into that life and she wants to keep her normal life separate from her BDSM life. Pretty much like the majority of clients do.

So guys, don’t feel bad about being clients, you go and see a pro domme to get an urge scratched, that’s a hell lot better than pretending that you don’t have the urge and being miserable and lashing out to everybody who does (a bit like the closet queers are the biggest gay bashers). Just do a reality check from time to time. Keep pro domination where it belongs to, in the dungeon. Trust me, everybody is much happier this way.

I’m not claiming that I know it all, I can only tell you what worked for me, and outside of the dungeon was outside of the dungeon. The friends I made were just that outside of the BDSM environment, friends, people I sat down with, went for a drink with, discussed problems and all that. It’s a give and take, it doesn’t work with everybody, if it works, enjoy, if not, trying to force it is definitely not going to work!

4 comments:

  1. Hi Constanze:

    This is excellent advice. Clients also have to remember that "friendship" means "friendship" not continuing the fantasy Mistress/slave relationship outside of the dungeon. I do believe that gets tricky for some, especially those involved with a Mistress who deliberately blurs the line to encourage repeat business. Not saying all Dommes do that because they definitely don't. I did know one who did however, and I am quite sure there are others out there. My advice to the client would be to be real clear in your head what the relationship is about and to the Domme not to make promises (literal or implied) that she cannot keep. There is so much fantasy involved in this stuff that it is way too easy to get confused. I agree 100% with were you are coming from on this.

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    1. You know, the guys who want to continue the fantasy outside the dungeon aren't friends, they're emotional vampires. Sure you can have a bit of play outside, not a big deal once the friendship is established, but if a client wants a friendship with his fetish clad fantasy, they're reducing us, they don't want a friendship, they want a free session and the person doesn't really interest them. I can fully understand that some dommes are very cynical in that respect, it's gutting to be "reduced" and objectified out of the context of a session and as a whole person.

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  2. Constanze,

    Very well said. As Her Majesty's Plaything commented, excellent advice. I agree with all that you wrote.

    I don't know if I instigated your post when I commented on an earlier post. I have been in something of a down mood lately and probably wrote more than I should have.

    I do want to add that, at least for me, a good session is psychologically very powerful, and has a tendency to engender a strong psychological connection. It can (and should) be fun, but it's more than that for me.

    Some of the things that we do in BDSM play are very intense and very personal. That is where the magic comes from, I think.
    It's not your everyday social interaction. :)

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    1. Actually it was your comment and I don't think you said too much, it's just it does look a bit different from the "inside".

      Of course it's not your everyday social interaction, and the intensity and because it is very personal can be great and disturbing at the same time, but what a lot of clients don't see is that dommes are people too, not some strange creatures that only come alive in the dungeon and have no outside existence.

      It's very easy to reduce us to "just" the domme persona, something that is seriously disturbing, almost as if we wouldn't have any other value as a human being...

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