Friday, 26 June 2015


Since my last blog post Coral died, it's been a while but I felt somewhat numb, we never had met face to face but exchanged a lot of messages, mails and phone calls over the years, just when it looked like she was catching a break, things turned bad. I know it's the nature of cancer but she was so vibrant and alive, it felt like I was sucker punched.

The worst part was, I'm in LA, nobody I can really talk about it to, taking care of a friend who has considerable health problems, tons of chaos, trying to sort things out, then there is work....

The oddest thing happened though, a friend's sister has leukemia, due to having mild lupus and a ton of antibodies due to hashimoto's (some weird thyroid thing where your body produces antibodies against your own thyroid hormones) and being gluten intolerant, I always thought I wouldn't be suitable as a bone marrow donor, guess what, change of thyroid medication and my antibodies are all in remission and almost non-existant and 99% of all autoimmune diseases have related antibodies, since our blood groups and a ton of other medicial stuff lines up, including the type of antibodies I used to have, it makes me such a good match that yeah, I'm going in. It sounds stupid but the fact that they can tap me for something and somebody else can live, it helps. Of course I'm scared, I could so do with a drink (even if I hardly drink) and all of a sudden smoking looks so tempting, but I worked out like a maniac, lived super healthy, I mean if I'm doing it, I want to give it the best shot I got.

Sorry for the rant. I guess since day 0 is getting nearer and nearer, I'm just getting more and more nervous, I'm not going to whimp out as she is undergoing chemo in preparation for it, but shit, I'm really scared, I don't even know why.

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Trolls on BDSM boards

Sadly enough you encounter trolls about everywhere on the net, but it seems on BDSM boards seem to be a bit worse than anywhere else.

Lately MF has had a huge influx of trolls, just one guy really, maybe with another idiot riding the coat tails, but a number of names.

Usually it's easy to ignore them, but this time a domme was targeted in the worst way possible, having been on the receiving end of such a little campaign by some deranged stalker, I had a fair idea how alone and horrible she felt through this, it's honestly not pleasant and it can get you down.

A couple of posters complained that I'm fanning the flames and I just should ignore the trolls, they do have a point, but after talking to the woman who was targeted and she said it meant the world to her that I spoke up for her, she received a ton of private messages of support, but nobody said anything in public and it was grinding her down.

When it comes down to giving support to the person who's unjustly attacked, I rather take the risk of a bit of fanning, because if you are in that position, it's horrible and for the person who's under fire, a little bit of support can mean a hell lot.

What I did in the end was make a post where I asked everybody to give a cheer for the domme being attacked, a ton of people joined in, she did feel better. So guys and girls, if you see some shit like that happening, some cyber-bullying or stalking, don't look away and just think ignoring them is enough, because for the victim and the abuser it looks like you're condoning their actions with silence.

Just my 5 cents

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Back for a while

Sorry, vanilla commitments have taken over again, work, family, pets, friends, we had a bunch of stuff happening so blogging had to take a backseat and instead of just ranting, I rather said nothing.

Anyway, some of you might remember Coral, a great Domme, she has cancer and is not doing very well, the co-pays for the treatments literally kill her.

In case any of you can find it in their hearts to donate, please do, it's possible to do it anonymously, it doesn't matter how much or little it is, just the fact that you are willing to donate might give somebody who's battling chemo and stage 4 cancer a boost, having donated an ovary to the big C, I can honestly tell you if you're battling cancer you need every boost you can get.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

We're getting there

Monty's been castrated, had his hormone controlling shots, the vet recommended it, said if we wait until the testosterone wears off naturally, he might go through a rollercoaster and it could upset all the progress we've made so far, so we went with that. Of course the little bugger managed to bust his stitches, we walked him on a short leash, kept him in the house, but it didn't stop him from jumping around like crazy in our living room.

The training is going well, he's settled in, he looks quite happy now and is a pushy little bugger, not coming out of his shell, he's exploding out of it. It's bedlam with 3 dogs, I need an extra hand for the fuss and strokes they demand.

So yeah, not sitting around being lazy, having my hands full and managed to rehome a few other dogs.

If you want to put it into BDSM terms, I'm having an alpha bitch and 2 laid back, quite submissive boys...

Don't ask me about feeding and vet costs, LOL, but they're so worth it!

Monday, 12 May 2014

There's been a good reason...

Again, sorry that I was silent for a while, but I was simply swamped with vanilla work and a new member of the family, we managed to pull a dog who was due for PTS from the pound via an animal charity.

A long trip to another part of the UK for H, somebody held the boy for us, he arrived in the middle of the night with a Dobie cross that brought tears to everybody's eyes, it looked like a dog skeleton covered in moth eaten fur. Apparently he was 6 or 7 and neutered, well, he's due to be neutered on the 15th, and I had booked him into the vet for the next day, and according to our vet about 3, maximum 4, he was just in a terrible state. The poor guy had cigarette burns on his balls, his legs, the vet also found evidence (scars) of him being shocked with a cattle prod, old injuries and fractures that healed by themselves, he was parasite ridden, severe chemical burns on his anus and colon, apparently they put something up his butt to make him aggressive, as he was apparently used for illegal hunting.

Apart from work, most of my time was really dedicated to get the poor boy back to health, my 2 Dobies adopted him and help with training, he came with no commands, wasn't house trained, but we're getting there. He's slowly learning how to live with cats (luckily he hates water spray and does about everything for affection), once he's castrated he'll calm down even more, but we had to put that on the backburner, as the vet said he was too weak and wouldn't survive a surgery.

We originally planned to just foster him, but he's such a little heart breaker and has bonded so much with us and our lot, that it looks like he's becoming a permanent fixture.

Of course this happened right on the heels of being diagnosed gluten intolerant, which required a few major life-style changes, a few work things that needed immediate attention - so it never rains, it always kinda pours...

It's been a bit of a rocky road with both H and myself ending in the ER, simple accidents of new boy Monty lunging for the cat and we got our hands in between, but again, a good trainer and working with a dog can solve almost every problem. Can't blame the dog for something some horrible abuser programmed him to do and the deprogramming works just fine. I got some furs and a teddy bear, he learned to not lunge at small fury things that move and gets rewarded with cuddles and praise and it does work like a charm.

Now what I would really like is to find the ex-owner, have some private time with him and a cattle prod, and a good alibi... And nope, it wouldn't be kinky in the slightest...

Anyway, here's Monty, how he arrived and how he looks now. Amazes me how humans can abuse an animal so badly and the animal still trusts...

Monday, 21 April 2014

Here we go again...

I'm asking in a very undomly fashion for a fave, in case it floats your boat, I'll command it...

It's a simple click, an animal charity I volunteer for entered a picture of 2 of their dogs in a competition. Please vote for them (anonymous) and share on all sorts of social media to get people to vote for them.

The charity is run exclusively by volunteers, you can vote once every 24 hours. They need the money desperately to stay open and so pets that were chucked out (you know idiots who thought it would be cute to get an animal for xmas and now decided how inconvenient it is, they just abandoned them) find homes, get neutered, get their shots, get fed and all that...

No money goes to anybody working for them, it all goes to the animals, it's a click and takes seconds, please do vote for them and share on all of your social media!

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

BDSM and PTSD (from a femsub's POV)

After Phil's article about Depression and BDSM I talked to a female online friend I've been talking to for a while, she mentioned PTSD a few times and certain triggers and how she's able to live with it, but it wasn't easy. I asked her if she would feel comfortable writing about it, because a lot of people in BDSM seem to suffer from PTSD. 
ShiftyW (the author), is a female submissive and after talking for a while, her story can possibly help a bunch of people suffering from a similar condition.
Like depression, PTSD is something that can happen to just about anybody, there's nothing shameful about, as ShiftyW says, it has to be considered as seriously as a back problem or any other health problem.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. It was a result of a date rape that happened in 2006. 
In 2006 I was a college freshmen, who had moved to Philadelphia from a small rural New England town.

I was a virgin.

I was dating someone who I considered myself close with.

I knew I was into kink years before this, but wasn't really ready to explore that, or even ready to have sex. But my date didn't listen when I said no, and overpowered me.

I lived in the same dorm as him for a year, and he would constantly intimidate me into not telling anyone.

I went to the clinic alone to get tested for STD's and pregnancy, which both came back negative, thankfully.

He ended up flunking out of school and I haven't seen him since freshmen year. But the damage had been done.

The next three years became a spiral of worsening symptoms of PTSD. At one point I wouldn't sleep through the night because I was constantly checking locks and looking behind doors in our apartment for someone hiding, all night long. I became promiscuous. I would go through bouts of depression and shame that would basically cripple my emotional capacity for days. I would obsessively get tested for HIV- even if I hadn't had a new partner for months, I was at the clinic every three weeks.

I dated jerks. I had no self worth or self esteem. I constantly had intrusive obsessive thoughts about what I would do if I were kidnapped or raped, with a lot of "scenario running". I was fiercely secretive about all this.

The worst symptom was being afraid to say no. I had some pretty faulty logic going on that basically was "If I don't say no, no one can rape me or abuse my consent again".

At this point, I was more into kink, and it was a problem. I didn't really know how to set limits, and doing so made me wildly insecure. Being a bottom, I took a lot of pride in pleasing my partners- the feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being able to say no to something I really did not want to do made my sex life, and my interest in kink, pretty treacherous. I ended up in some dangerous situations, that I am fortunate to come out of relatively safely.

I got help after a particularly shameful and scary one night stand.

In therapy I learned how important respecting my own mental illness and limits really was. It’s a hard lesson, honestly. I think bottom types have a hard time feeling that they are not all they want to be for their counterparts. I felt this pretty strongly.

Because my rapist had only valued me for sex, it had a strong effect on my own view of my self worth, and I felt that if I couldn't do more extreme kink things that I really wasn't any good in the sack and I should just get over it, because it was really the only reason someone would want me anyways. I had to change my thinking. I've since realized that the way to the best relationships is a mutual respect of each others limitations, and finding someone whose limits align with mine. If they don't, unfortunately, that person may not be for me. 
If "rape play" is really important to a top and it is a requirement for them, no matter how attracted to him I am, I really need to assess if I actually want to be involved with someone who values that type of play over my mental well being.

Secondly - limits are limiting.

I have to understand if a top chooses to reject me because I'm not what they are looking for.

Initially- I had a really hard time with rejection, because I felt inadequate and as if all I was good at, wasn't good enough. I had to learn that I'm just not compatible with some people, and that's OK.

It’s OK to not be into medical play or knife play. I also had to learn to reject people myself.

Saying no to someone's advances was really hard and scary. Sometimes, people get really mad when they are rejected, and I was pretty fearful of that anger. With my therapist we practiced ways of saying no, which I realize sounds kind of silly, but it was absolutely necessary for me. I had a really hard time, and still have a hard time with it. It makes me nervous that someone won't respect it, and violate my consent again, but I'm a much happier person when I'm doing things that won't trigger me, or send me into a depression.

I also had to give up a few kinks I was really interested in. Public play and even some educational events are really off the table for me. Even if I have a strong exhibitionist streak in me, those situations make me too anxious and hyper vigilant to really enjoy myself.

Perhaps someday I can return to those things, but for now, I feel that they would overwhelm me and frighten me. Other things I will only do with folks whom I love and trust, and it usually takes a while for me to get to that point with someone. TPE was something I was interested in, but after having a terrible experience with it before, it is not something I feel capable of, I clearly have some issues with control, and I feel it isn't something that sets myself or my partner up for success. However, I'm willing to discuss it if someone right came along.

I take precautions now, that I feel anyone with a mental illness should consider taking. I treat my mental illness as seriously as I do a physical one. I make sure who I am with is aware of my condition, and signs that it bothering me. I also make sure that if I disassociate, the person I'm playing with knows full and well the signs of this and to stop, even if I don't safeword. 

I use safewords, without shame, if I end up in a dangerous headspace. If a top doesn't believe in safewords, or gives me a lot of grief about not "really being in physical danger"- I don't play with them.

I make sure my partners know about the possibility of me getting triggered, and what that looks like. I negotiate my limits really thoroughly so that someone is made aware of what is more likely to set me off.

I have of course, been told by doing this I am trying to "top from the bottom"- but I don't view putting my own mental safety first as "topping from the bottom"- me explaining my limits and PTSD is an effort to make BOTH of us feel good at the end of it, and protect myself from further trauma, if someone views me saying "Medical play and needles are a hard limit, full stop" as topping from the bottom, they are probably not someone I should play with.

Advocating and making aware your partners is the most important thing I thinks someone who suffers with mental illness can do.

I have found an excellent partner. We have been together for nearly 4 years. Our interests align and he is wildly supportive. I realized that he was someone who valued me beyond my sexuality or kink. He has come to therapy appointments with me. He knows if I'm getting triggered even before I do. He knows to anchor me down in the present and bring me out of the panic or disassociation. He constantly has my PTSD in consideration when topping me. Learning to adapt my kink and advocate for myself, through therapy, played a huge role in finding the right person. Sometimes it’s still a pain. Sometimes I can take all the precautions and I'll still get triggered.

I just have to respect the power of my own illness, and consider it as seriously as I would a back problem.